WTF Is The Move

Listen up, Dirty Projectors. You're doing it all wrong.
Music is supposed to make me feel like I'm better than the rest of the populace. I should be able to spin some of your records and instantly feel like the guy listening to Ke$ha in the car next to me (while I'm a la fixed gear, obviously) is an unfit member of the intellectual upper crust. I vinyl it up with the latest Animal Collective and I know, right at that moment, that my tastes are not only rather congratulatory, they're downright bitchin'.

I'm like a PBR in the fridge amongst a whole bunch of Natty Ice.

But while the rest of the world is dude-broing it up, I'm keeping it real via TV on the Radio. Give me broken time signatures, chaotic synth tracks, album covers done in indie scribble.

But you, Dirty Projectors, you make me feel like I'm back in school. You've certainly brought chaos into the fold, but it's about as schizo as Edward Norton and Brad Pitt being the same person at the end of Fight Club (whoa, totally gave it away like the time I ruined Sixth Sense when I was like "Bruce Willis is dead" and … ah, dammit (sorries again)). Truth is, I listen to one of your songs and I haven't got the slightest clue as to where the eff you're going next.
You've got the musical equivalence of an episode of LOST where at the end I'm all "how the hell did we even get here?" Is there a guy that's going to sing or is it a girl? Are they actually one and the same? Will there be banjos or synthesizers? What the shit is a Fluorescent Half Dome and how can I get one? Should I even want one and does it involve another person or is it a solo deal?

At least Ratatat is straight up with the new album. They've got a song called "Drugs". Easy enough. I mean, I get that. Inspiration: check. At least they're honest.

I'll say this, DP (do you mind if I call you that or am I just being a coy douche?) maybe naming songs by the central influencer isn't the best naming scheme. I'm sure every single track would be called "Drugs" but maybe you could break it down by the drug with the highest profile in your systems at the time of song conception (coincidentally, that's also how Amy Winehouse breaks down her evenings). It could be educational, mnemonic, and more importantly a lot better with imagery than, say, something like "Cannibal Resource" or "Remade Horizon".

You're all cool, calm, collected and then all of a sudden you just lose your shit like Cruise on the Oprah sofa. When we gather round the turntable for a listen I'm constantly apologizing for your outbursts as if you're that crazy uncle who believes in UFOs and a Whitesnake reunion show.
Like Thom Yorke at a Miley Cyrus slumber party, you've outstayed your welcome.

Either teach us what you're doing or dumb it down for the rest of us.
How do you ever expect to get on TRL?