A Hypothetical Hit

Alright, so I didn't have time to review an album in these past few days because I was too busy living my damn life and all. Sorry if that really pisses in some of your cereals but here's a revelation: I'm not a hamster on a wheel.
I'm sorting out book deals, movie rights, action figures, edible underwear prints so much that I'm up to my furry gills like Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

But thankfully, I do care enough to still give you a review. Sure, it's hypothetical but it's exactly what would have been here for anyways, what with all dribble pushing from the current indie scene like an open festering wound that refuses to take any shit from Neosporin.

So imagine, if you will, that some pretentious, avant-garde indie no-name bursts forth from the fertile womb of Sub Pop or XL or some label only Owen Pallett knows about. It's brimming with the kind of stuff indie wet dreams are made out of: allusions to Sylvia Plath and J.D. Salinger, instruments from Norway or Oregon, and big beards that can house small woodland creatures.
The album artwork is some uncanny Polaroid that's out of focus and has the subject skewed out the frame with some Helvetica or (God forbid) Futura type announcing the album title either subtlety enough to make you think it was a speaking at a dance recital or bold enough to vomit type all over the page like alphabetical diarrhea.

Finally, the track list:

1. Some low-quality audio record from an old cult-classic film even obscure to Edward Norton
2. Opening track packed with promises of greatness and originality
3. Radio-friendly single
4. Song to remind you that even though they can make a single, they can still alienate the public like an old uncle exposing himself at a wedding
5. They take back that whole exhibitionist move and slow things down to a simmer
6. Filler
7. More filler
8. Old B-side from when they used to play at church camps and birthday parties at skating rinks
9. Pavement tribute song
10. Angsty anthem with a Wachowski-sized cliff-hanger

(Repeat steps 1-10 as financially needed)